The truth is, that no matter what I am about to say, I cannot control you. I cannot make you stop acting inappropriately towards my husband. I cannot force you to be kind, or gracious, or respectable. I cannot change what I see in your eyes every time I catch you staring at him, or the way that you lean your whole body towards him as you make a point to talk to him every chance you get.
I have seen you try to hug him, or casually touch his arm during conversation. I have watched as you smile and wave at him; and now, I have watched as you joined activities that he is involved in, that I am not.
And, I just wanted to say thank you.
Thank you for showing me how much I have to lose. Thank you for reminding me how much I want to be with my husband. Thank you, for walking away every time I have tried to engage you in conversation. Thank you for shooting unkind looks my direction when I was talking on the stage. Your lack of support made it really difficult for me to share the truth about how my last year went, and harder for me to be so honest about the areas that I have been so much less than ideal. But really, it just made me fight through my own baggage and get where I want to be, in the light.
I admit freely that I wasn’t always so grateful for your presence. From the first time I met you, I saw it. The something is darker than you are pretending, oh you like my husband even though you know he’s married and we have babies, vibe. It’s not my favorite. And to be honest, my thoughts towards you weren’t very biblical. Except, didn’t Jesus braid a whip and use it, because I could have gotten behind that idea….
Oh, just kidding. Kind of.
The thing is, you have perfect timing. The last year was a perfect storm of my husband and myself coming unglued and back together. It was not our best year. Or, maybe it was. Because if there is one thing that I have been learning over the last year and a half, it’s that I want to live in the light.
My truths are not always pretty. My life is loud and messy, and overflowing with mistakes. But it’s mine. I own it. I take responsibility for all of it. For the good and the bad, for the things that I want shouted from the rooftops, and also for the things that show up on my hips. For the bitterness that I am finally learning to let go- there is no one else to blame. For the anger and resentments- I admit that I, alone, stored those hurts in dark corners of my heart.
For so long, I tried to look and act how I thought I should. I wanted to be accepted and admired, if not loved. I told only my funniest stories and hid my tears, and tried to clumsily find my way around, in a life that I was building in the dark.
But the truth is freeing, and I don’t look good in chains. Once I started telling my story, I haven’t been able to close my mind to the truth. I like the light. I like the way it feels to walk uprightly and feel the sunshine stepping inside, honored guest, into my soul.
I’m not going to let this situation go any differently. I am bringing you out into the light, with me.
My husband and I have been talking for days. We have tried to use our words as a flashlight, to illuminate everything, and make sure that there is nothing to hide. Not just with you, because what we have is so much bigger than you, or us.
I cannot control anything you, or anyone else, do. But I have chosen to forgive you. I choose to be soft and not let my heart grow hard. I refuse to be bitter, or angry, or react out of hurt. I won’t say mean things, or join in your glaring. I will just live my life, to the best of my ability. I won’t turn my head, but I won’t turn over my heart.
If it weren’t you, it would be another. Trust me when I say that there have been others. The difference now, is inside of me.
I mean it when I say I’m grateful for everything you have shown us. I wish you health and joy.I hope that life gives you only good things, especially ones that aren’t already married to me.