Yes, I called you baby. I know that you are growing up, know that you probably won’t even read this until you are mostly all grown up, but you are still my baby. You will always be my baby. Always. So, dear baby, let’s begin.
There are things that you should know. Things I may have forgotten to tell you amidst all of the cooking and cleaning I seem to be doing these days. Things that I have told you, but that may have gotten lost in all the “Put your sweater on, it’s cold outside…..Don’t hit your sister……Pick up the legos off the stairs and put them away before I lose all feeling in my feet” that happens from day to day. So, let me say them again, on the hushed white quiet of these pages so that you can hear me.
I love you. I will always love you. No matter what. Regardless of what you do or don’t do, I love you. I am honored to be your Mommy. You are the greatest joy and hardest work of my life. And you are worth every minute. Being your mom is the best thing I have ever done. Yet, I have failed at times. I have cried when I was so angry that I didn’t know what else to do and didn’t want to break in you what had been broken in me as a child. I have made mistakes. I have apologized and asked you to forgive me, wondering if your little heart could really move on and let go of my failings, knowing that I could not forgive myself. And I have heard you, mimicking me, trying to understand the way that the world works. Seen you taking your steps both boldly and tenatively, in a dance of confidence and trusting the unknown.
I love you. I love your heart. I love your spirit. I love your quick mind. I love the way you look in sunlight, all lit up from the inside out. I love how your eyes are so full of wonder every Christmas morning. I love that my singing the Black-Eyed Peas ‘Mamamamamamama’ every diaper change paid off, and your first word was ‘Mama’. I love the way you run to me after school everyday. I love that you hold my hand with conviction still. I love that you join me in speaking with British accents at dinner because it makes our conversation seem brilliant. I love your voice. I love that you help others. I love that you think about things. I love that you jump in puddles. I love that you dance in the living room. I love that you always join me for dances in the rain. I love reading books to you after baths and jammies when you are warm and ready for sleep, but still clinging to the last tendrils of this day… I love you. I love you. I love you.
And I find that loving you, getting to be the one who holds you first every morning and hugs you last each night, is the very best part of each day.