She is chubby. Her hair is unruly. Her nose is short and wide. And her thighs, her thighs are so chunky they have two creases on each side. And she’s beautiful. I first held her in my arms seven months ago, but she had changed my life long before that.
She is my daughter. Every time I look at her I ache with a potent mixture of joy, love, and the fierce desire to protect her at any cost.
Being her mother is like being the guest of honor at a surprise party, every single day. Like everything before was bittersweet, and after some fumbling around in the darkness, the lights are suddenly flicked on & there’s a celebration. Something wonderful that someone planned for you, just when you thought you had been forgotten. Just when you needed to know how much you are loved, and you come home to a house full of people who see you, really see you, and celebrate.
My pregnancy with her was one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. Everything was a fight; from staying pregnant to staying married. I’ve never felt so helpless or so attacked as I did in the months before she was conceived and during the 8 months that she shared my body. That sounds dramatic, I know. But, it was. Last year was a continual string of tiny wars that I was not prepared to fight. But I had to anyway.
And now that she’s here, everything is better. I mean, of course, there are still things that need worked out. I definately still need to actually work out. But everything is better. This little girl has brought so much life into our home, so much unexpected joy. She is lovely. And truly loved. Her siblings adore her. Her Auntie is smitten. And I, I could spend hours just enjoying the way she coos when I walk in a room, the way her eyelashes curl upwards, or the way the dimples create the grandest canyons in her pudgy little cheeks.
The fact that things that I have always loathed about myself, are some of the things that I love most about her, is not lost on me. Like some cosmic joke, she ended up with the nose I spent all of third grade crying over, the large hands I thought made me look masculine, and a voice that comes deeply from her core. All that, and she is completely wonderful. Loving her so much, has forced me to love the things I had hated, because they are a part of her. It’s amazing how that happened. It’s amazing that that happened to me…. I am so grateful that this child that I thought would break me, has brought so much healing, instead.